In the midst of my time at home last year, I read a book called Buy Yourself the Damn Flowers by Tam Kaur. She introduced me to the notion of ‘dating yourself’, which strengthens self-worth as you learn about your standards and how to enjoy your own company. She recommends it to anyone, whether single or in a relationship, and it brings all sorts of benefits. There are many layers to dating yourself, from going on ‘solo dates’, which I’ve always done, to giving yourself presents.
Kaur mentions another benefit: you get to understand your love language and how you function best in relationships. Maybe you haven’t heard of this before, but the five love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, gift-giving, quality time and physical touch. It’s essentially how we feel loved in relationships, and it varies from person to person. It can contribute to relationship incompatibilty, as someone may (for example) express love by giving gifts when their partner feels loved through quality time.
My love language has always been words of affirmation. This doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate other forms of love, but I need to be regularly reassured and reminded that I’m loved. The book advises people in my boat to write letters to their future selves on their quest to date themselves. So, on the 13th March 2025, I wrote two letters to myself for six and twelve months later. I painted them with watercolours and put in the same effort as when I make cards for my loved ones. I added unscripted, heartfelt messages, put them in my drawer and forgot about them.
I knew that the September card would be opened shortly before my return to uni, so I included reminders of how capable I am and to never give up on what I’ve fought so hard for. When I opened it, I got very emotional because I was still anxious and I was thinking about how long I’ve struggled.
As for the March one, I honestly felt very proud of myself when I read it. Have a read and try to guess why:
“To future Ela,
I’m assuming you’re probably having a bit of a stressful time right now, what with being in final year of uni and having to balance your dissertation, your other modules, and whatever other social or extra-curricular activities you have going on. My advice to you is to remember what and who you’re doing it all for. You’re doing it for me: 20-year-old past you who went through the worst time on her year abroad and didn’t even know if she would still be able to finish her degree. You’re doing it for 5-year-old us who had a major operation on her leg and went through far more than any child should. You’re doing it so to get a Master’s and a career that fulfills us. Never forget this.
For these cards I’ve written, you’ll see that I did watercolour paintings on the front as I’ve been enjoying it recently, and I find art relaxing. I hope you’re still keeping up with doing creative stuff, but don’t feel bad if you haven’t. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed with uni lately, start it again. Get out the colouring books, watercolours or scrapbooks – you’ll feel better.
I also hope you’ve been doing some writing. At the moment, I’ve been posting every two weeks. I don’t know if you’ll be able to stick to this or even have enough ideas to maintain it, but don’t forget that you have hobbies, so don’t lose yourself to uni. It is important, but you shouldn’t burn yourself out.
I hope we’re doing better mentally. I know we feel insecure sometimes but I hope we’ve progressed enough in our self-love journey to realise that we’re the most important person in our life and we need to do what’ll make US happy, nobody else. I hope we’ve learned how to manage our anxiety better and stop fearing the worst because life’s too short for that. We live on a floating rock – don’t overthink it.
I don’t know what specifically will be on your mind right now, but I know you’ll get through it all. This time a few months ago, I believed that I was never going to be happy again and there was nothing to look forward to but I’ve realised that couldn’t be less true. Life is a blessing. There is beauty all around. I love you. You’re amazing. I’m always rooting for you.
Lots of love,
Ela from the past xoxo”
If you didn’t guess, I’m proud because past me assumed I’d be doing much worse than I actually am. I thought that I’d have given up my blog, abandoned my hobbies and resigned myself to exclusively doing uni work, none of which has proven true. I won’t lie and say I’m not at all stressed about uni but I’ve cut myself some slack. This is in part because (amazing news!) I got a conditional offer for a Master’s, which only wants a 2:1. The other reason, is that I’m only human and uni isn’t a life-or-death situation in any case.
Shortly before starting my final year, I wrote a card to open when I graduate. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but it’ll probably make me teary-eyed like the other ones have. I also have a couple in my journals for when I’m having a bad day to remind myself that it’ll get better, proving that you don’t have to do it as formally as a proper letter or card.
You should give it a go, especially if your love language is words of affirmation. Even if it isn’t, I don’t think a kind message to your future self would go unappreciated. If you’re less artistically daring than me, write it on a piece of paper or a nice card. I’ve found it empowering to witness my growth through letters and to remember that I’ve always got my own back.
I’d recommend the whole book in general if you want to learn more about self-love. It’s full of ideas for expressing love to yourself depending on your love language, so give it a read if writing letters doesn’t resonate with you. Hopefully you find some value in loving yourself.
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