I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m now officially 21, legal drinking age in the USA. While I still don’t understand why it’s considered a milestone birthday in the UK, I was quite apprehensive about my approaching birthday because I was uncomfortable with the concept of getting older. I ended up having a fantastic birthday celebration as I spent it performing in Sidmouth with my Fosbrook family — I’ve started writing the post for it, so you’ll be able to read all about it very soon.
There were others older than me on the trip who were telling me things along the lines of, “If you think you’re old now, wait till you get to my age!”, along with passer-byes at the festivaI in Sidmouth who were telling me to enjoy my youth. This made me realise that although turning 21 can seem scary, it isn’t old at all, and especially not with our increasing life expectancies. I pondered upon the idea of what I’ve learnt this year, which then aroused the question of, “What are the life lessons I’ve learnt in my 21 years?”, thus the idea for this article was born. Maybe you’ll learn something new from my own learning experiences…
1. You have so much to offer that goes beyond physical attributes
It’s no secret that our society values physical beauty and feeds us the narrative that it’s the be-all and end-all. This idea fails to take into account the fact that we’re all multifaceted people with passions, interests, strengths, weaknesses, an entire story beyond how we look. I enjoy expressing myself with my appearance, e.g. I love doing creative eye makeup and adorning myself with tattoos and piercings, but I know that how I look is the least interesting thing about me. If you think I look cool, try talking to me about my life.
2. Being alone is better than being with the wrong person
As a teenager, I used to dream of having a boyfriend for no significant reason besides feeling less alone. Having been in two relationships this year that have both ended, I’ve realised that yes, being in a relationship can be nice, but they aren’t always smooth sailing. They require work from both parties, and walking away can sometimes be the best choice. I’ve since come to peace with the fact that being single isn’t a bad thing and I’ll settle down when the time is right. I don’t need a man to come and ‘save’ me; I’m already a whole person by myself who can do as she pleases. This also applies to platonic relationships; if you’re in a room full of people but you still feel lonely, that may well be a sign that they aren’t your people.
3. Everyone has their own lives so don’t take things personally
If I ever got ignored by someone via text, or I walked past someone I knew and they didn’t talk to me, I used to convince myself I’d done something wrong. I’d tell myself that they’d made the conscious decision of, “I’m going to ignore Ela today”, until I realised that that’s very unlikely to be the case. I might be the centre of my universe, but I’m not the centre of everyone else’s, so the more likely scenario is that they didn’t even realise they’d forgotten to reply, they didn’t see me because they had too much on their mind to notice me, or some other reason I’d not even considered. I no longer take things personally because at the end of the day, I’m not as important to other people as I am to myself, and that’s okay.
4. Nobody’s looking at you as much as you think
Have you ever heard of the ‘spotlight effect’? Essentially, it’s the social phenomenon where people overestimate how much people are looking at them, as if they have a big spotlight over their head. Related to the previous point, but it’s so natural to worry about what others think of us – we’re social creatures with a longing to be accepted – that it’s actually more likely that strangers are worrying about their own presentation. Even when I do notice that people are looking at me funny, I don’t let that stop me from enjoying my own life; it says more about them than me if they’re choosing to judge me. Strangers will never know my story, so why am I going to let them ruin my mood?
5. Comparison is the thief of joy
I’d say that my Achilles Heel is comparing myself to other people. I tend to worry too much about whether I’m ‘doing life’ right that, even if I am doing something I enjoy, I’ll put myself in a bad mood by telling myself I ‘shouldn’t’ be doing it by some arbitrary standard. For example, if I’m spending a Saturday night on my own doing one of my hobbies, I’ll consider the fact that I could or should be making the most of my youth by going out with my friends, which will then make me feel insecure about the fact I’m having a night in. Social media is largely to blame for this feeling, but I also know that comparing myself to what others are doing isn’t helpful. There are 8 billion people on this planet, all with completely different lives, so it’s impossible to be doing it wrong. I’m going to enjoy my weekends in on my own, even if some might say it makes me boring!
6. Have some compassion for yourself
Something I’ve learnt this year on my healing journey, is that the more you beat yourself up for having a certain thought, the more it’s going to return — our brain’s job is to keep us safe, so if you react with anxiety, it thinks it’s helping and will continue. When I was living in Geneva and even after that, I knew that logically, my anxiety wasn’t rational, and that I was way too strong and smart to be worrying over it, but this only fed the cycle. Nowadays, both through therapy and my own reflection, I’m a lot more aware of why I have these thoughts and have thankfully learnt to control them better. When I do occasionally let myself spiral, I get through it by speaking to myself with kindness and not with phrases like, “This is stupid — stop worrying over it”, which was my previous way of thinking.
7. Loneliness is a gift — embrace it
Building on from ‘comparison is the thief of joy’, I used to have this false idea that fun could only be achieved with other people — what a load of rubbish! I’d say that nowadays, between my friends having their own lives, my brother recently moving out, and my parents working, I spend a lot of time on my own, and I wholeheartedly enjoy being able to do what I want. Don’t get me wrong, it’s impossible to live life completely away from others, and it can be unhealthy to go too far in the opposite direction, but if you believe that being alone is ‘boring’, you’re setting yourself out to live an unfulfilling life where you’re constantly relying on others. Diane Nguyen from Bojack Horseman once said, “You’re responsible for your own happiness”, which rings especially true here.
8. Do creative things often
A concept I brought up in my article about mental health and creative hobbies, but one of the great things that came out of Geneva, was that I was encouraged to pick up a range of hobbies to distract myself from my anxiety. Pre-Geneva, I’d spend most of my free time either on my phone or watching telly, but now, I have so many other things I do to fill my time that I hardly even have the time to scroll on my phone! Today, for example, I read some of my book first thing, I did some morning yoga, went on a walk, played on my Switch, did some pilates, did some colouring, and now I’m writing this. What is more, I still have yet to write in my journal and do my bedtime yoga and meditation. Yes, not everything I mentioned is necessarily creative, but I’d say that doing almost anything is better than scrolling on my phone where I’ll instantly forget what I’ve seen. Creative hobbies are especially good as they’re a reliever of stress and reduce the chance of cognitive decline. Following on from the previous point, maybe you need to try a new hobby, creative or not, if you want to feel less bored by solitude.
9. You don’t have to have everything figured out
I think this is especially relevant to the time of life I’m currently in; I’m seeing all my uni friends graduate when I still have another year, my connections on Linkedin are posting their swanky new job offers, some people my age are travelling the world, and me? I get asked what I want to do once I’ve finished uni and my answer is still, “I don’t really know…” I think that part of the problem with me is that I get excited when I think about the opportunities my degree could give me, but I have too many ideas and don’t yet know how to get there. It’s the good old fig tree metaphor from The Bell Jar again; I fear I may starve to death because I’m too busy trying to choose the best fig before they all rot. But I know that being an adult isn’t ‘real’ — we’re all just big kids in adult bodies trying to get by, and none of us have it figured out. My plan is, I’ll pick one of the figs, and if I don’t like it, I’ll pick another, and if they’re all rotting, I’ll find another tree!
Side note: how many times have I brought up The Bell Jar on this blog? If anyone has a lot of free time, make a tally and let me know!
10. There is beauty and whimsy everywhere
When I’m in a particularly deep state of thinking, I’ll sometimes look around and think, “Look how amazing this is, yet we’re all so anxious and depressed.” I say this referring to the fact that, for example, many of us own these fancy machines that get us from A to B in a jiffy, we have easy access to food and goods from all across the world, I live a short walk away from green spaces filled with beautiful pieces of nature, the list can go on. I’m not saying we should be happy 24/7 – we all have our own lives and struggles – but I’m a believer that our society profits from our discontentment. When I first heard about the idea of gratitude, I found it a bit hippy dippy because “what difference is that going to make?”, but honestly, since I started adding a ‘smile list’ to all my journal entries, it’s helped me to flip the narrative. When I’m going through a stressful time, I try to remind myself that it’s a privilege that this is my biggest problem. It obviously doesn’t magic away the problem, but it can stop me from spiralling about things that, in the grand scheme of things, are insignificant.
11. Family time is precious
I’ll be the first to admit that families can be a pain at times. When I was in Switzerland, however, seeing my mum, nephew and dog was all I wished to do. Now, when I’m deciding whether I have the energy to go to my Grandma’s and have her ask me the same questions every week, I’ll remember the fact that even having a family is a blessing, and she won’t be here forever, so I go and I let her ask me the same questions every week. At her funeral, we’ll probably all sit and laugh about the stupid things she’d say!
12. Happiness is created, not found
A quote I read in a book this year that really stuck with me. It’s the contradiction to the idea of telling ourselves we’ll be happy once our lives look a certain way, say when we get such a job or we have x amount of money. It’s great to have big aspirations, but the reality is your problems in life won’t be solved by these things — it’s our own minds and the narratives we feed them that determine our happiness. For example, if I tell myself, “I’ll be happy once I’ve finished uni and graduated”, then my subconscious will internalise this and prevent me from being happy, until I have the brief contentment of graduation, when I’ll then come up with a new circumstance that’s getting in the way of my happiness. I now take every step as it comes and try to enjoy where I’m at in this moment.
13. Appreciate the journey
This is similar to the previous point but I still deem it worth mentioning. So often do we get fixated on a specific goal that we end up basking in the feeling of not yet having it, making ourselves miserable. If you believe in the law of attraction, this is called a ‘limiting belief’ which confuses the universe; you say you want something, yet you’re constantly having negative thoughts around it, decreasing your chances of achieving the goal. If you don’t believe in that, being unhappy by the fact you don’t yet have what you want is no recipe for happy living; if anything, the fact of not having it should drive you to get up and work towards it. It’s like with me right now, I sometimes feel down because I’m stuck at home and can’t currently work much towards my degree, but I know it’s only a small chapter of my life that will get me to where I’m eventually supposed to be.
14. Know when to say no
I’m sure you’re all familiar with the fear of missing out. Well, here’s another idea you might have less experience with: the joy of missing out. There have been countless occasions where I’ve agreed to an event purely so I wouldn’t miss anything, then proceeded to sit there and wish I hadn’t gone. I now try to evaluate how agreeing to something would make me feel, not anybody else. It’s easy to be a people pleaser and worry about how others could interpret your response, but you’re your own priority. Your friends aren’t going to shun you because you’ve given a swerve to a few nights out, and if they do, they aren’t your friends!
15. Going out (often) isn’t worth the hangover
An extension of the ‘know when to say no’ point. When I first turned 18, I would go out and drink at every possible opportunity because of the novelty above all else. The older I get, though, the more I realise that nights out are just more hassle than they’re worth; they’re overpriced and leave me feeling like death the following day. I’ve also realised that I don’t need alcohol to have fun, so I save my tipples for special occasions. This isn’t to say I don’t drink at all, because my logic is now: I’m only going to drink if it’s worth it, i.e. I won’t just have one drink with a meal because I’d rather go all out if I’ll have a hangover either way!
16. Money comes back, but opportunities don’t
I wouldn’t say I’m a very materialistic person; I hate buying new clothes because I’d rather wait until I actually need them, therefore I prefer to spend my money on experiences and things I can do. I’ll sometimes make myself feel bad for ‘wasting’ my money on these things in case ‘I need the money in the future’. While this is true to an extent, there’s no guarantee that I’ll have the future I’m saving it for, and I’d rather live a life I enjoy now than a boring life just to save up. Not to mention that this is probably one of the last years of my life where I’ll be able to spontaneously go away and do these exciting things, so I’m going to guiltlessly take a trip every now and then.
17. Never stop being curious and learning new things
As proven in countless studies, lifelong learning is one of the lesser-discussed keys to happiness. It not only keeps your mind active, lowering the risk of dementia in later life, but it also improves self-confidence and overall makes you a more well-rounded person. I’ve always loved to learn new things, and one of the ways I incorporate this into my daily life, is by listening to pub quiz podcasts on Spotify. Of course I also do it through my regular reading and language learning, but this is a more niche idea I recently chose to incorporate, and I’m really enjoying it as a lover of general knowledge.
18. Hard times never last forever, even if they feel like they will
Fairly self-explanatory. When I was in Geneva, I was convinced I was never going to be happy again. Looking back, I can see that this was because I was so disconnected from my life back home — it was almost as if I’d ‘forgotten’ everything from pre-year abroad. While I’d still say I struggle with this idea a little bit, because I sometimes beat myself up for getting anxious over things even though it’s not like I was perfectly anxiety-free before Geneva, I now know that it’s a part of life and every feeling will pass.
19. Every experience and relationship teaches you something
When my aforementioned relationships ended, of course I was disappointed at first, but I also chose to take them as learning experiences. Some people’s first thoughts might have been, “I just wasted x months on my life on them,” whereas mine sounded more like, “At least I know more about my likes and dislikes, and what to do in the next relationship.” I take a similar approach to any dates I go on or events I get invited to — even though they might not have gone ‘well’, there’s still always something to learn from them.
20. The most important person in your life is YOU
A point I’ve briefly touched on over the course of this article. Especially as women because we’re raised this way, it’s so easy to minimise our own needs to satisfy others, leaving us feeling exhausted and less content. I’m now really trying to internalise the concept that my needs will always be my own priority, and they aren’t going to be the priority of everyone else, so I need to treat myself like I would treat someone I love. This means that I do things to benefit my future self, speak to myself with kindness, and (try to) do what will benefit me the most. Something I would highly recommend to help you with this, if you haven’t already, is work out what your ‘love language’ is, and learn to apply it to yourself. Mine is words of affirmation, which means I write letters to my future self and celebrate my little wins; it’s how I’d want to be treated by a lover, so why not treat myself like this?
21. Overthinking doesn’t change the outcome
This is my favourite thing I’ve learnt in recent months. It also fits in nicely with a quote I recently came across: “Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles — it only takes away today’s peace.” Our brain loves to come up with the worst outcome for what we’re doing or planning to do, which is where our anxiety comes from. When I’m worrying, I try to challenge that thought by asking my brain, “What are we gaining from worrying about this before it’s actually happened?” which helps to quiet the thought. An extension to this point is that “overthinking doesn’t change the outcome, nor does it make you any more prepared”, which I also like, because as easy as it may be to think your brain is helping by preparing for every outcome, things can still happen that we never predicted, and we always get through them.
It was initially hard to come up with 21 points, but when the ideas started flowing, I then found it hard to limit to 21. This means I’ve actually learnt plenty more than only these life lessons, and I know I’ll never stop learning them. Nor should you, hopefully, so get out there, and take my points with you if you didn’t already know them. It’ll make you more fulfilled, and if you think it’s overwhelming to remember every single one, just remember the main message of most of these lessons, which is: “You’re the most important person in your life. Stop worrying what others think.”
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